I was stuck in a vicious circle. Addicted to people and things that were bad for me. Smoking, drinking. I had poisonous people in my life. They sought only to put me down in order to feel better about themselves. They were making me miserable and I didn’t even know it. Every idea I had about bettering myself was shot down and accompanied with snide remarks about how I would fail. I was made to believe that I wasn’t good enough, I was fat, ugly, so why bother? Just get p***ed instead. All in all it took me over ten years to realise this. They had never been a permanent fixture, flitting in and out when it suited them, just a thread waiting to be snipped off.
They changed me in to a horrible person and I didn’t even realise it. People tried to tell me but I didn’t listen. In the end I had removed everyone from my life. Looking back now I can see that this wasn’t such a bad thing. They weren’t all as poisonous as one person in particular but they were leech-like and very selfish. Being selfish can be a good thing. Every so often you have to look after yourself. You can’t give everything to other people or you’ll end up running on empty. However it can be an ugly trait if it’s permanent.
I knew how I wanted to be living my life, I knew the types of friendships I should be part of and deserved. I was happy being single but also knew my knight in shining armour was out there and that we would meet when the time was right. My transition from miserable waste of space was to take about two years, from the realisation of ‘this is not ME’, to the ‘me’ I am today :D.
It wasn’t easy. It was scary and full of uncontrollable sobbing, imagining my life without people in it because I had decided they weren’t a contributing factor to the the joy I craved. Friendships have to be balanced, both sides need to put in equal parts, otherwise it will burn out.
First off I improved my health, I quit smoking, started walking and climbing. There were tiny little blips here and there when I thought I needed to cling to something or someone. Then slowly I brought myself out of it, I didn’t NEED anyone and I didn’t want anyone to NEED me. It’s great to feel wanted and have the feeling of wanting someone but if you cross that line it can become quite obsessive. I slowly filtered out the blips and life became about doing things that made me happy.
Although by this point I had managed to alienate most people from my life I was still human and therefore craved friendship.In the few years that followed I became friends with four women who I know have changed my life forever, for the better. They unknowingly saved me from hell. One lady in particular had been a friend of mine since we were twelve, although we had drifted apart going in to adult hood. I cannot express how grateful I am to have our friendship rejuvenated. These friendships aren’t just friendships, they are lifetime bonds. I know that these women will be there for me for the rest of my life and I will be there for theirs. They are aware of my insecurities, my flaws and they love me anyway. They don’t use these to their own advantage.I’m not an easy person to be friends with, I am fully aware of this. That is why I adore these women, they’re made up of the same stuff as me. We don’t live in each others pockets, we know that life goes on even when we’re not together. This makes our time together all the more hilarious!
Psychologists say that if a friendship lasts seven years it will last a lifetime. Well Gayle, Sam and Nat, you have a couple more years to seal the deal, but Hayley, I’m afraid you’re already stuck with me forever 😉
I must apologise to my family for the aforementioned treacherous time in my life. I was neglectful and arrogant. I am especially sorry to Pants for not being as present as I should have been, in body and mind. I hope I am making up for any mistakes I have made. Although I can’t promise that I will be perfect from here onward! Lastly, thank you to the vile people who tried to drag me down tho their sad little level. I am so much more stronger and happier than you are.
Don’t ever let anyone make you think you’re not good enough.
Follow your dreams right now! Don’t wait until tomorrow,
next week, next year. Stop planning, start doing 🙂 ♥